Looking for Perfect LOVE…

As a PLWHA (People Living with HIV/AIDS) we all know that It’s hard to find a person to accept and love us. We tend to find someone who could help us boost our confidence to live and survived in the cruelty of our virus.  We dreamt that one day someone will gonna make us secure and happy. It’ll gonna wipe all our tears and let us feel the essence of being alive again. Every one on the group disclosed or not- “hope to love and be love.”

Our journey takes us to the next level of thinking “Positivity”. It’s a battle to make your self stay focus on things, job, adventure and happiness. To sustain that agility to make things well. To encourage those on the group who thought things won’t work for them, now that they have  HIV/AIDS. It’s always been this way. Optimism is really a plus factor. Seeing just a single pimple on our face can lead us to worry this might be wrong. It might be a sign  our CD4 is plummeting down. See everything is imperfect! But we are trying to sew it back and believe that it’ll be soon..

I felt so happy this days, I just got my result from a previous screening for CD4- and  I thank God cause I got the average score of 513 CD4 count. I was so lucky enough. My faith and prayer have been paid. I thanked God a lot for this miracle and His guidance everytime I fell down. He is there to makes me secure.

I am praying that one day soon, We will never find ourselves  looking and longing for the human affection, personally I am. That one day all of my fear of being alone will just fade like a morning mist.I am now working as a Telemarketer in one of the company here in the city of Durian. I also work as a “peer Educator” to promote awareness against HIV/AIDS.  Hope things will going to work so well.

Bless the reading of this post.

My Battle on PRETENDING..

We never dreamt to fake somebody. We never dare to decoy things up. And most importantly we never wanted to make someone believe we are telling them the truth and nothing but the truth. In my entire life, I know what God wants me to do, and i know His precious plans for my life. I am lucky to have this great relationship with the Lord, were i could feel his presence and and every time am sad He makes me comfortable  on His arms.

“Life battles don’t always go to the faster nor to the stronger MAN, but to those who believe to the beauty of their dreams.”

This is my newest qoute am relying on. My battle as a PLWH started, i could no longer imagine of seeing my self on the other part of the world working and earned lots of bucks for my future and for my family as well. Instead i see myself in this scattered archipelago lurking with a mission “to give awareness and preventing PLWH to be harmed by the stigma of the society.” This is where i stand for. All my dreams has something to ponder on this mission. Every extract of my sweat reminds me of one day things will going to be okay- things will run smoothly. And am looking forward for that.

I was asked last night if things will still worked for me. I wasn’t really struck with this question. I am optimistic and i stand on positive track. I answered and said ” The time that I found out i am positive, i shed tears nothing. Instead i have this indomitable feeling of making my dreams coming true. Thinking positively in life and have faith.” One thing that this virus gave me, is to draw closer to God. Knowing that i can do nothing, if i won’t draw near to Him and let Him do His will. And at thesame time I also find myself listening to other colleagues’ stories, their struggles on battling to pretend strong and battling to stay alive. On how they dealt with different stigma which society has to offer. Their stories gave impact on my life. Some stays more than a decade and a half- still looking vibrant and fresh. Some live 9 years with happiness and joy. There were also thesame with me a beginner and we were like babies who starting to recuperate on things on this world. So those matured ones, helped and pampered us with care and advices to take good care of ourselves and love it.

It’s a wonderful thing to know those kind of people. Admittedly- PLWH has turned their lives from negativity to positive way. And they loved life more than those who we’re negatives. We are PLWH. Indeed we are. But in living life- we took every details and we explore every side of the corner of our lives. We never know we will passed away,and still we haven’t got what we wanted to do in life. So we expand our thinking. Since we are positive we hopped on the idea of living and thinking POSITIVELY.

WE BELIEVE- WE HAVE FAITH- and WE HAVE BRIGHTER PLANS FOR OUR LIVES.

Definitely Indefinite…

It’s always been  3 weeks now, since i accepted this challenge, since the day that my clandestine divulged. There we’re no great changes though. No big deal on things which i thought it would be as hellish as possible.  Not at all. Everything is normal, myself, situations, i still rent my place- and still no money to pay it, LOL. Still there is no job, people we’re still thesame, some care more, some care less. The world  just revolved delightfully on the sun. No turning back happens. No denying, i quite got some stinky thoughts about my self being stuck in this health condition that there is no cure.  And no door to sneak out and never go back- YES i am still positive of HIV/AIDS.

Things aren’t in good hands, yes i may broke the glass if possible. You know me am careless. I am  definitely indefinite. No back logs as well. I don’t know, i just write according to what i feel. I actually got some bucks today, i watched movie with Athena also thesame with me. It’s horror, so bad. It talks about exorcism and stuff, well as we all know, priest kind of casting the demon spirit away from the victim’s body, but before they can do it, they will discover some horrendous things,voices, nerve wracking sounds and ofcourse the hilarious eyes and  the demon inside the human being trapped.

I laughed, i smile  and cackle. It’s life, i should enjoy the moment isn’t it? But everything is not steady. It moves from place to place, my life floats like a ship on its uncertain destination, no telescope to determine where should we dock or any map to follow. Life is definitely indefinite!

I just scroll down everything, what happen to me and what would happen to me if possible. I am confused if i would really strive to get back in shape, i mean to  exercise daily just to boost my immune system or i will just wait til my CD4 count drops, so then i could take my ARV. Come on, I really don’t know, there still a lot of words keep on coming. Some says, if  my CD4 count is higher then i am lucky since i cannot take ARV at all. There is no maintainance , just boosting my immune system. No meds that will be taken forever. There goes another one, if you can’t take it, millions of virus could easily attacked me, and it might harmed me then. What the heck! Which is which? I am confused.

No worries, i already got the solution on it. I need to exert some effort to exercise and see what will happen next.

Ciao..

 

Stigma

Once battered always been battered. We are all struggling right at the moment that we realized we have virus inside. It bother us a lot.  Wondering why our weight run plummeting down. Checking out our body, eyes and staring at every part of it- if we see something unusual we tend to get scared and rattled.

Rashes is dominant! But we tend to think it is just another insect bites or another skin problem. Knowing that it is just common, it vital to say out body is in good condition. Okay! We assumed it is. Then we continue lurking, abused our body, sleep late and missed a lot of time to eat. The daily grind gets worse.

Until such time we landed on this term : I need to rest, i am tired. Back again, we checked back our selves, we found out we are getting thinner and thinner. Bones we’re sprouting all around. On this time, we set and planned. We need to sleep early, we need to eat on time, we need to reach our goal in going back to our hot figure. It wasn’t easy at all. Our body clock turned really different. We sleep at day and we lurk at night. A night crawler who does wake up whole night but do nothing. than FLIRT!

We thought it’s just pretty normal, our body needs rest! So we give it a chance to recuperate and gain some weight. So then we will strive to sleep at night, we  tried to eat on time- but the more you try the more you get frustrated. Since your lifestyle couldn’t accept and change it abruptly, we screwed up and go back on our grind. So horrendous to find out. Our parents been asking, why we always stays late, sleep late. We just ignore it and continue. Whoa, how hard was it?

Then, there goes the time we had checked and find out we are positive. We become obsessed on changing it. Not to think we lost a lot by spending useless nights on lurking. Spent half of our lives staying awake late night, gain nothing. So what else you wanna say?

The New Lifestyle and Peers…

From the title itself you can gauge what post this is. Yes, it’s different now. My life will never be thesame. I was diagnosed last January 2011, it was freaking new right. Just days pasts. No syndrome of hang ups, depressions and frustrations at all. The only difference was my daily routine. It will never be thesame again. It will be changed according to what doctor’s says.

No more late night parties, sexcapades, stress should be less, nutritious food should be eaten, sleep early is obliged. But the most important is my daily meds, it is my commtiment to take it everyday. I took 3 kinds of medicine. For immune system, for rashes, and for protection from other degenerative diseases. It’s kind of frustrating at this time, since am not use to it. My lifestyle is way different at all. But I should follow what the doctors says, or else i will be in tremor.

Not included the weekly check ups, the updates of the group, this week i met 10 people, having thesame issue with me. It was heart warming to feel, i am secured. I can spill my gut, and laugh out loud. Sharing our experience about the skirmish we had. Watching porns and ofcourse flirting. But that would only be there, it will not gonna be pushed through and reached penetration period. We will be more conscious about our health. So just flirt!

The tendency of having sex beyond the fact that we are positive, we can ofcourse transfer the virus to others, we can also suffer illness which our immune system reacts. So we need to be keen observant on things and happenings we could encounter. We have to keep off our selves from the dogs and cats, since they can give us some allergy. It would be bad for our health. Our immune system is really WEAK. And we need to be careful for that!

So help us LORD!

Moment of realization- Joey Wightman

“Realization happens when we already into situation where there is no cracked to sneaked out and escaped from the mess which you don’t want to be in.” 




The very day that I was diagnosed of HIV/AIDS, wasn’t the day of my decision to make my life memorable. Yet it was the day to mourn, to cry and shout as if the whole world listens to my clamor, the blare of my mistakes. Which on that day, i wanted to go back on that past and fix the mess, so that i won’t have what  am i facing at the present.

Horrendous to think it this way, but i was frustrated to know and depressed. Knowing HIV/AIDS is the most horrific virus which dominates in the entire world and kill millions of people in Africa, USA, Europe and even Asia. Added on that nerve wracking fact was ” I am positive.” I can’t consider my self as normal anymore, from the stigma which i would be getting from people whom i know would mocked and scorned somebody who is battling from this illness. Lastly it is not CURABLE.

Yes, Science accepted their defeat from finding effective medicines, and powerful vaccines to stop this epidemia. How am i supposed to think of myself, and where should i position my self and considered that everything is normal. This mind boggling issue hits my life fatally ill. Asking why Science we’re lazies! Why Science boasts  great inventions in things, gadgets,space shuttles,  but the little capsule the tiny vaccines to prevent and cure this terrific virus- they can’t do. WTF. Yes, i think as crappy as hell.

My fear of living life normal was my main problem. My daily routine will never be thesame again. I should augments and diminished. From my lifestyle and daily activities whether healthy wise or not. It is like having a relationship, it requires me to be faithful and be loyal. In this way, i could prevent my early DEATH. Upon doing this matter, i couldn’t fathom how terrible it was, words to infused my mind that something will going to happen and it’s positive is such a morning mist that fades away when sun shines. I care no more on sex, yet my body was my prime foe. Knowing that sex is one of my body’s daily needs. I can survived for a week but months years would be a huge question.

I was just lucky enough to have free check ups, medicines, and laboratories. But having HIV/AIDS is a lifetime routine to prevent and slower its mutations. A little bit of mistake can lead into austere and baleful expiration. YES, definitely it is.

Overwhelmed with encouragements and words that would help me survived, is just so adorable. Means there we’re some organization which caters this kind of issue. Helping us to buckle up and giving us the benifit of the doubt. Telling us, life  will be okay, my health will be soon stabilized. Well relying on these words is all we can do. We can’t think of other options since there we’re no given facts and preferences to choose the best one. No option! One thing is, we are inclined to make our life better, but it depends on us on how to do it. From changing our lifestyle to augments positive deeds we had.

Yes, HIV/AIDS is not curable on this generation. But i am hoping that my next one can avail and achieved the word “stable.” From medicines to hospital facilities.

Riding the wind of change and the wind of cruelty against the world is more venomous than HIV/AIDS virus. The stigma which i would getting from the society is terrifying. Morbid as it is. But the world, the minds we’re closed about this. Afraid of it’s sternness, hardheartedness and stringency. The domain is unstable. It can be hacked. From words that’s poisonous. WE can be specimen, we can be the subject of the thesis. We can be a topic of society’s deadly venom of expression. Their eyes as sharp as the eagles’. Afraid to be confronted, afraid to be seen by other people, afraid to be scorned. We  find no place that we we’re suited to be in. Where we can say we have the freedom to say :  ” Yes I am positive Of HIV/AIDS.” Where we will not gonna be hidden, so that when we die we will never be crimated, if we don’t like to be. We have to live normal, that’s what we wished. To go back from our lives. Simple and happy. But to have this is like waiting for the sun to rise even if the storm shocks the whole universe.

I am terrified! My virus is ain’t curable. It’s contagious. But i am more afraid from the venom of the world. My virus is  a lifetime. But world’s killing us softly yet fast. Society is our main problem, the odd of our fast recuperation. Some can understand, but most will under estimate. Degrade us. Throw morbid words,which my virus reacts. My rashes multiplies, it grows in numbers not because it mutates so fast, but because world’s virus is metamorphosing faster than ours.

At this very moment, my family which is the core of my being never know about my  status, my condition. I don’t want to spill my gut. That i screw things up. That i am dying. “I can suck penis, but to let my family suck my problem, and its sperm of responsibilities, i could not withstand.” I was greedy on sex. And i just reaped what i have sown.

This is the “moment of my realization.”

Name: Joey Wightman
Age : 20
Sex: Male

Interviewed by : Tim Smithson